Step 21 Up the Tribe Triangle: Who Is Your Best Friend At Work?
“The people that you work with are,
when you get down to it, your very best friends.”
-Michael Scott
One of my mentors, Dr. Steven Johnson used to tell me that if you remove alcohol, sports and work, people in today’s society don’t have friends. He’s right because all the other big friendship-generating community institutions such as the church and fraternal organizations have faded in relevance and participation. Work is the last shared institutional source for meaning and belonging and it is particularly important because for most people it is the center of their lives.
The most important resource we have in our lives is time and unfortunately, we don’t realize the importance of time until something threatens that resource in some way. No amount of ‘Memento Mori’ quotes will wake you up like the experience of an important window in life closing.
With the knowledge that time is our most valuable resource, where are you spending most of it? For most people that place is work. That activity is the most important thing you do in your life by the simple fact that you spend most of your life doing it. That activity is your life for much of your life. To have a shot at really thriving at life we all better learn to make the most of work and that is what kinship is all about. Friendships sit at the very core of that.
With whom do you spend that most important activity? Those are your co-workers. Regardless of how you currently feel about them, they are some of the most important people in your life. If the relationships you have with those VIPs in your life are not meaningful, authentic and fun then you will be lacking meaning, authenticity and fun in your life.
Remember that time in your life when you used to have lots of deep friendships? For most people, those times were when we were in a structured environment with a shared foundation of culture alignment such as school, team sports or the military. These are all examples of honor-based cultures and they all generate authentic friendships. A big part of this is a shared mission which is a core pillar of all honor-based cultures. A friendship is synonymous with kinship.
Friendships prevent isolation and loneliness and give you a chance to offer needed companionship as well. This is one of the most powerful ways of creating meaning in life. Friends also increase a sense of belonging and purpose. Increasing friendships has been shown to improve feelings of happiness, mental health and reduce your stress.
Friendships also increase resiliency. A friend is someone who you can tell sensitive and vulnerable information to and they will protect it. A friend is someone who has your back and you have theirs. This is the honor of reciprocity and a central pillar of belonging.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another,
‘What?! I thought I was the only one!’”
-C.S.Lewis
Authentic and ongoing friendships (like all kinship systems) require a shared mission. At their core, friendships are energy exchange systems and energy cannot travel through a vacuum. People need a medium through which the energy of their relationship can flow. This used to be the shared mission of school, sports or the military. Now it is work where people are desperately searching for meaning and belonging and that, too, is fading.
We need a best friend at work to be fully engaged and committed and only 20% of people report having a best friend in this central part of their lives. Gallup reports that over 65% of employees globally are disengaged and 20% are actively disengaged and toxic to the rest of the people and projects. Humans need friends to happy, healthy and high performing.
Unhealthy corporate culture operates under the premise that “You don’t come to work to make friends, you come to make money. Friendships are unprofessional.” I would propose that just the opposite is true. Work is now the last bastion of shared experience in modern culture and it must be about more than making money. Your work is your life because it is where you spend most of it. Make it worth it. Make your friends.
“A man’s friendships are one of the best measures
of his worth.”
-Charles Darwin
Click here To watch the video of Step 21: Who Is Your Best Friend At Work?
Leaders Must Write and Speak
Answer these questions in your journal by really writing them down. Discuss them with at least one of your most important people and really listen to their response.
Who is your best friend at work? Let them know.
Are there other people at work with friendship potential?
Ubuntu,
Philip Folsom